Can't help myself
by Yecart
Summary: A different take on Jane and Lisbon being reunited after he is recruited by the FBI.


Agent Fisher couldn't understand how she could be so wrong. She'd read the situation entirely differently before she'd seen them together. She was sure from the letters that the deep trust and the love she had read would be obvious in person. That the reason Teresa Lisbon had protected Jane against prosecution was because they were lovers.

Now, she was sure there was so much that she wasn't seeing. There was obviously a strong bond; a trust. Trust that she didn't think could exist between Jane and another person. Although not completely obvious she was sure there was love as well. What kind of love? It was still too soon to determine; but she believed what Lisbon had said.

How could they be like that for so many years? Then spend so much time apart and act so loyal. It made little sense. The saying goes if you love something, set it free. Had Lisbon done that? Was Jane capable of loving anyone?

Fisher shook her head. She was behaving almost jealous. Not for any real feelings for Jane, but the feeling of being jilted. Used. When in reality, the whole thing had been a trap to secure Jane. Jane, always being the smartest person in the room dominated them all along; three steps ahead the entire way. Lisbon was definitely more qualified to handle Jane, and yet she didn't need to resort to any kind of trick to do so. How could Lisbon have that kind of trust in a man like Jane? It was unprofessional to try and ask those questions at this point.

* * *

><p>"Lisbon? Here to take me home?" He smiles cheerfully and fully and Lisbon finds it hard to hide her smile.<p>

The room is neatly furnished but has an air of loneliness that she hopes to expel.

"Yes, but this home is just temporary. You've pissed off a lot of people, but you outsmarted the FBI and we are working together again, so I'm sure you're happy."

"What? You would rather be Sheriff Lisbon out in the middle of nowhere arguing over office supplies?" Jane raises an eyebrow.

Lisbon rolls her eyes and turns away, "Perhaps I am happy to be back in the fold Jane, but I'm tired of you trying to control me, I'm not a tool for you to use when you feel like it."

"Whoa! Lisbon, where is this coming from?" He seems surprised.

"You disappeared Jane, and it wasn't the first time. I realise that it was your only option but the letters, the upending of my life, my career. Surely you realise the mess you left behind? Grace and Rigsby had each other and Cho, well Cho is Cho. All I had was my team. That job was my focus, and I threw it all in for your revenge. Something that I would never have thought I'd turn around and do. I don't mean to suggest that it's your fault. I just want you to remember the next time you decide to upend my life to improve yours!" She rants. "Don't you ever think of me?"

Jane was not entirely shocked. He had put things with Lisbon to the side whilst he hunted Red John. He had a single mind about his journey. Lisbon was right to be angry, but he was trying to make it right. Couldn't she see?

"You're right, Lisbon. I have been unfair to you, and you have been the truest of friends. I can only say in my defence that I was thinking about keeping you safe the entire time we hunted him."

"Really? You were thinking about my safety?" Lisbon did not quite believe where he was going with this.

"Always. I was always thinking about you. I don't think there had been a day in the last seven years when you haven't been on my mind. The closer our friendship became the bigger target you became to Him. He wanted to destroy me, and loving you would have only enticed him into killing you too," Jane looked directly at her. Saying these things that Lisbon had never expected to hear but had somehow known.

"You want to talk about this now? What? You weren't too hyped up and forgot?" Lisbon was getting distressed.

"Well you did start with my absence, and the letters,...you were lonely," he states.

"God! You choose that to fixate on? Really Jane?" Lisbon frowns and turns away again.

"Well we both know what's really bothering you don't we?" Jane couldn't help but suggest.

"I don't know what you're talking about Jane, but you are lucky my hotel has a couch, because I will not share a bed with you!" Lisbon huffed.

"I never used to find you this hard to understand, Lisbon, but I do feel you had the opposite intention when you first realised I had nowhere to stay tonight," he stated as though it were fact.

"I hate you, Jane," she states quickly, grabs her things and leads the way out the door.

"I never wanted you to love me, Lisbon," Jane whispers to himself.

The car ride is awkward. Lisbon doesn't speak and Jane doesn't want it to be like this. He wanted a fresh start, he wanted her to understand that there was nothing going on with Agent Fischer; who in his mind was a traitor. He knew Lisbon had been surprised because she had taken solace in his letters and drew from them the message that he had intended. The message that he wished he could be back home with her. Now that he was, he realises that since returning, the message has somehow become lost in translation.

"Lisbon, I know I have a lot of things to be sorry for. I also know that you already forgave me for them a long time ago. You knew what would happen. I trust you more than anybody, including Agent Fischer who was a plant used to manipulate my coming back to the States; Nothing happened," he tells her, looking at her with his big blue eyes.

Lisbon keeps her eyes on the road, pretending to ignore Jane. Even though she knew he would know. Perhaps her anger had been misdirected and she had been cruel to bring up things that weren't completely Janes fault. But not knowing about Agent Fischer's relationship to Jane was bothersome. It had made her worry deep down that the letters she had kept hidden had been a little too well read. Fisher had been asking questions that she truly wasn't sure how to answer any more in her own heart.

"I know that you're confused, Lisbon. That you are starting to wonder what to think but you shouldn't second guess yourself. If you need me to say it, I will," He tells her whilst picking up her hand that had been resting on the handbrake.

This seems to drag her attention away from ignoring him and her eyes meet his for only a second. She sees in them what he wants her to know and she feels ashamed that she had broken down her resolve over something so petty trying to hurt him. She returns the pressure of his hand holding, lets out a breath and then moves her hand back to the wheel.

Jane knows he has a lot to make up for, but he knows putting Lisbon's fears to rest is a good start. Playing with her emotions is no longer a game like it used to be. He didn't need to worry about anyone trying to hurt them. So it was time, he had already wasted enough of it.

When they pull up to the motel Jane is relieved to notice that the tension of earlier seems to have left them. But whether or not Lisbon is happier he cannot tell.

The room is modest. There is a small kitchen area, a tiny lounge area with a couch small enough for a child to lay upon and another room which he assumes to be the bedroom and bathroom.

"I'm going to grab a shower if you don't mind," Jane looks to Lisbon who is busy making a cup of tea.

"Sure, go ahead," she replies tiredly.

Jane decides not to push any further and continues on through to the bedroom. He notices how things are basically untouched, and wonders if she has had any sleep at all since he forced her presence here. She did look exhausted.

The shower had some of her things in it, gels and lotions, body sprays. It all smelt like home. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw the difference the sun and surf had made to his body. He looked, fitter; younger even.

He didn't take too long but when he came out wearing only a towel Lisbon's pupils dilated and her mouth went dry. Jane noticed her hesitation to speak and took pity on her.

"Ahh, I don't exactly have any of my stuff with me since we left in such a hurry so I'm just going to wear boxers...yes, I'll go and find those," he spoke lamely.

Lisbon blushed, he still wasn't sharing her bed, but God Damn she wouldn't argue if he tried.

By the time Lisbon had taken her turn in the shower and returned to the sitting area she had had time to adjust to a near naked Jane but it annoyed her that he knew it was bothering her. She could see he was pleased with himself. That was why she had chosen to pick up his shirt to wear as she was dressing for bed.

"Hey! I have to wear that tomorrow!" Jane protested.

"Well you shouldn't leave things lying on the floor in MY bathroom, besides, I didn't realise I would be here this long and as you know I don't have a lot of sleep wear," she replied.

"Oh, I see. So you won't wear pyjama's that you've already worn but you'll wear a shirt I've been wearing since I got here?" He tries to disarm her logic.

"I could take it off."

Jane whips his head up from reading the TV guide. Lisbon just smiles for the small victory and returns to the bedroom.

"You just love me wrapped around you!" he calls through to the bedroom.

Lisbon rolls her eyes, he had never before been this flirty. She was playing with fire, but she felt right in doing so. Agent Fischer wasn't on Janes radar, he had said as much in the car. He was trying, in his own way to reassure her that they had something special.

The lights had all been turned off and Jane moved to sit on the couch, there was no way he could possibly sleep on it. Surely Lisbon was acutely aware of that fact. "I'm sorry, Lisbon." He calls.

"I'm not just saying that because I want the bed either!" He adds but gets no reply.

He hears her sultry voice close to his ear, not having realised that she had re-entered the room, "I missed you," she whispered.

It was like as soon as the lights were off a flick of a switch and Lisbon was comfortable enough to actually talk to him.

He turns to face her not really able to see her but knowingly searching for her embrace, which he finds quickly. Holding Lisbon made him feel better, as though she must have forgiven him. They held on tighter than they did when they were first reunited. A private reunion.

"I'm sorry, Jane, I don't know what's wrong with me."

Jane smiled in the dark, "You hate that you love me, that's perfectly natural. Paranoia is a part of the Jane experience."

Lisbon makes a snorting noise at his joke but doesn't deny it.

She looks up to where she imagines his face must be, "I didn't mean to...you know," she says awkwardly.

"Neither did I," Jane replies.

She feels him caressing her face holding her in his reach and she trembles. The kiss was like nothing she had conjured in her mind. She had imagined something sweet, but this was almost certainly erotic. She was so much smaller than him and with the way he was dominating the kiss with his hold on her she could only scratch her nails into his chest before all thoughts left her mind.

The kiss continued, for how long she wasn't sure but she had never been kissed so well in her life.

"I don't hate you, Jane. I just never realised how deep I had gotten until you were gone, I did feel alone. Your letters were the only thing that made me feel better," she tells him, resting her forehead against his.

"I knew, and I think I used that sometimes and I'm sorry," he replies.

After a short pause just standing there hugging, Lisbon starts, "She's already asking me questions, Jane."

"About what?" Jane knew to whom she was referring.

"About this, us." She sighs.

"What did you tell her? He was interested now.

"I assured her that we only ever had a professional relationship and that there was nothing between us of this nature," Lisbon squeezed her eyes shut, just thinking about the lie made her squirm.

"Why Lisbon! I'm shocked. An outright lie, from you? How are you coping?" He chides.

"Shut up. At that point I hadn't been certain, of anything."

"Are you certain now?" he questions.

"All I'm certain of is that Agent Fischer was fishing for information, whether to find a reason to get rid of me or to figure out if you are available," she states matter of fact.

"Get rid of you?" Janes raises and eyebrow that she cannot see.

"I don't think that the FBI would see fit to keep me around if..."

"If they knew you and I were in a sexual relationship," Jane finishes for her.

Lisbon blushes now, "Well we aren't imphf," Jane kisses her again, but this time his hands wander up the back of her thighs drawing up his shirt over the curve of her smooth bottom.

He breaks the kiss, "Lisbon, is my shirt ALL you are wearing," Jane enquires.

"Maybe," she replies.

It sounded like a growl but she wasn't entirely sure of his response to her reply in the end. Nor could she figure out reasonably how he had managed to sit her on the edge of the table. He had continued with the kissing whilst moving them around and she was surprised when he easily lifted her up and placed her there. Positioning himself between her legs, she could feel his excitement.

He had nimble fingers and had the shirt opened in no time, wandering hands around inside it listening to the small moans it produced. He had not done this with someone he truly loved in a very long time, but he was confident of himself as always. Lisbon was breathing hard, beyond excited. She had not been with a man for a very long time, not with Patrick Jane consistently appearing in her head.

She was sitting, leaning back on her hands whilst Jane leaned over her, making the height difference less apparent. Lisbon was quite bare accept for the shirt that now hung loosely around her shoulders. They were in no hurry now, just enjoying each other.

But it all came to a startling halt as a knock was heard in the quiet room. Lisbon stiffened almost immediately. Never one to be caught with her pants down. She reached for the table lamp and the room was barely lit, but enough to see each other, to see the lust in Janes eyes. She read his panic, saw him look down at his crotch. He couldn't possibly open the door like that. He was already buttoning up the shirt in preparation for her opening the door.

Lisbon started contemplating who it would be and she stopped herself from feeling annoyed when she realised that it could be Agent Fischer and she would see her wearing Janes shirt. Before she could fling herself back to the floor, Jane gripped hold of her tightly and whispered in her ear, "be nice."

She rolls her eyes and answers the door, "Agent Fischer, what brings you here tonight," Lisbon kept a steady wide eyed embarrassed look upon her face whilst hiding slightly behind the door.

She could see the ball rolling in Fischer's mind, the questions she would be forming the details she would be taking in, like any seasoned investigator who would be too embarrassed to ask.

"Ah, I was hoping to speak with Patrick Jane, if I may," she responded slowly.

Lisbon was trying to come up with some sort of lie that wouldn't be too obvious when the door opened wider and he was standing directly behind her, as close as possible. Which she could admit to herself she enjoyed.

"Kim, to what do we owe the pleasure?" He was smiling but it wasn't a true smile, it was one he reserved for when he was inconvenienced, like now.

Lisbon looked down and away trying to hide her smile at his attempt to stand united with her in a way that was both obvious and unquestionable.

Fischer quickly handed him a bag, "You left this in the isolation accommodation, thought you might be needing some clothes," she squinted, taking them in confused.

"Oh, I hadn't even noticed," Jane replied. "Thank you," they all continued to stand awkwardly.

"Well, have a good night," Fischer smirked walking away unsure of what she had just witnessed.

"You're looking a little too pleased with yourself, Jane," Lisbon muttered, embarrassed by the situation.

"Oh Lisbon, you can't deny that you felt a little empowered by that display? It felt good. Don't you agree?"

"Well it may have felt good, but I still feel a little bad about it," she tells him. "What must she be thinking," Lisbon ponders.

"Well judging by the fact that she was sure to notice that you were wearing my shirt with the buttons done up incorrectly with messy hair and I was hiding an erection behind you, I'm sure she has figured it out," Jane replies.

"Yes well, this serves to remind us both that we are once again colleagues and what we were about to engage in would be very unprofessional," Lisbon tries to rationalise.

"So if I had tried to have my way with you yesterday it would have been okay?" He questions.

"Exactly." She smiles

"I don't know, Lisbon. I feel that this makes it all a little more arousing. Naughty even," he replies unbuttoning the shirt once more, this time able to see."And I have to say Lisbon, little did I know what you were hiding under those pant suits," he smiled.

"Neither did I," she replied feeling his muscular arms wrap around her.

"What's wrong?" He asks after she doesn't lift her face to look at him.

"Nothing, really, it's just that, well, I feel like I am giving in too easily. This was never us. We behave like this is just a natural thing for us, but Jane, it's been twelve years and you've been out of my life for at least two of them. I know, I know that wasn't by choice but until Abbot came looking for you to offer you a deal you weren't coming back here. We both know that," she looks away.

"I won't lie to you Lisbon, I knew staying away was better for you. Even if you don't think so. If I had come back before now, I'd be in prison serving a life sentence. What kind of life would that be? Especially if you couldn't let go. I wasn't about to do that to you. Out of sight, out of mind," he finishes.

"Then why couldn't you hint at where you were? There was never any chance of extradition, I could have come to you, I mean, you kept sending the letters," Lisbon smiles and cocks her eyebrow.

"I wasn't really sure that you would want to if I'm honest," he replies.

"What do you mean? Of course I wanted to! Jane, really; there was nothing left for me. The CBI was finished, my team disbanded. You had been my job for ten years. You knew I had to have some...attachment," she speaks wearily.

"Yeah, but I also knew that you would never feel okay about my revenge. After, after I fled, I had time to think about things. About how much I owed you. I guess I decided that you'd be better off without any more of my trouble in your life. I had hoped for us Lisbon. Really, I had. I just, I knew that we couldn't have a life after what I had done. I never expected to be given a chance back in the States without it being behind bars or I would have been back home sooner," he explains holding her hips and trying to make her look at him.

Lisbon finally looks up, "I kept all your letters. I used to read them at night on my couch with a glass of wine. Anything to feel that connection. Sure, I went on a date now and again but it felt wrong. I'd made my mind up somewhere along the way without even realising it. I knew it was logical to start fresh and I did try to in Washington but my heart was never in it. I was mad at you for that," she sighs.

"See woman! I knew you had claimed me in your mind, and that's as good a place as any," he hugs her tightly. "I tried as well you know, to move on, I thought...well when Kim came to the place I was holed up in, I felt a connection to her. I think in a way it was because she reminds me so much of you. Strong, determined, pretty...don't look at me like that, with what I know now I can cross off honesty; and that my dear, you have in spades. I trust you more than anyone in my life Teresa. I've waited a really long time for you."

"I guess I've been waiting too, and I'm loathe to admit it. I don't know why it's this hard for me. I'm frightened that you will disappear again. I couldn't cope without you, Jane. I can't breathe without you. I can live, but it's not really living.

"Well, I guess that can only lead to one conclusion Lisbon. You love me. I love you. We're in love. So, ipso facto, columbo, oreo, we should be together," he smiles and shakes her head smiling back.

Lisbon sighs. "May be we should cool things off, you have been away for a couple of years. Things might be different."

"Is this because of Fischer?" Jane raises and eyebrow.

"What? No! This is about us. We don't do this. It's crazy."

"Not what you were saying a few minutes ago! Jane rebuffs.

"I suppose after that incident Fischer isn't going to believe we aren't together," Lisbon walks away and sits on the couch.

"It isn't any of the FBI's business whether or not we are together, Lisbon."

"I still can't get past the fact that I haven't just made this all up in my head."

"I was lonely without you, Lisbon. I only thought of you. I had a lot of time to think, long walks on the beach and all that. Didn't take me long to realise that I loved you. That I had loved you from almost the beginning," he smiled and sat down with her.

"From the beginning?" Lisbon looks at him startled.

"Yeah, I think I always had a thing for you. You never could lie. You were honest and true and I guess that really appealed to me in a world where I couldn't trust anyone. You have a heart of gold, Lisbon," he touches her face gently.

"Do you think if we behave professionally at work, no acknowledgement of a personal relationship beyond friendship that we could get away with this?"

"I think it's certainly possible. Might be difficult but we've certainly shown self control over the years," he smiles.

"Well, considering how touchy feely we've been the last hour or so I would say that is an understatement," she holds herself.

"We can take things slow? I could try and woo you?" He tries for eye contact.

"I'd like that," she leans against him and holds his hand.


End file.
